Irritation . . . a Blessing and a Curse

"Ugh, I am SO irritated!"
Sadly, I have uttered this exclamatory statement many times in my life.  However, today is a new day that brings with it a paradigm shift and a chance for a fresh perspective for me regarding irritation.  

Irritation is a Blessing and a Curse. 

A BLESSING:
"Irritation alerts us to the risk of blisters when we sense a pebble in our shoes.

In marriage, irritation serves the vital function of alerting us that something we are doing (or feeling, or saying) is creating a sore."
(Goddard, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, p. 75)  

The shoe is your marriage.  Your foot is you.  The pebble is your negative thoughts, words, and actions about your spouse.  Left inside your shoe, they will create a "blister" or "sore" (problems) that will grow larger until you no longer view your marriage as a good fit.
The good news is that you can take the pebble OUT of your shoe!
This happens when you repent.  "Any time we feel irritated with our spouse, that irritation is not an invitation to call our spouse to repentance but an invitation to call ourselves to repent.  We are irritated because of our own lack of faith and humility."
(Goddard, p. 69)
Irritation then can be a blessing as we recognize it as a personal call to repentance -- to change ourselves because that is the only person we have control over changing.  And we need God's help to do the changing.  

A CURSE:
The "natural man" (Mosiah 3:19) is an irritated one.  Everyone else is the problem and inconveniences him.
"The natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others.  God has asked us to do the opposite.  We are to fix ourselves by repenting, and to love others."
(The Moral Inversion, Goddard, p. 62) 

If we do NOT focus on being a "celestial man," then our irritation will be a curse --

we will remain a natural man, and our marriages will suffer.  

The amazing thing is that we get to CHOOSE . . . are we going to view irritation as a blessing or a curse?  Will we succumb to our natural man tendencies and allow ourselves to be caught up in our pride by being irritated all the time ("curse")?  Or will we choose to stop irritation at the onset and change OUR behavior ("blessing")?
I know I won't be able to think of irritation the same way again . . . I view it now as a blessed opportunity to be accountable for myself, to turn towards God and ask His forgiveness for MY weaknesses, and to view and love my spouse (and everyone!) unconditionally.

Turn and MOVE!

turn
verb \ˈtərn\ 

to cause your body or a part of your body to face a different direction

This is one of the definitions that my good pal Merriam-Webster gives for the word "turn."
I like it.  I think it's a solid definition; simple and direct.
It indicates movement ("to cause . . . to face") and
change ("different").

What does Dr. John Gottman say about turning?  He believes turning is so important that it is one of his 7 Principles for making marriage work (principle #3).  He says, " . . . brief exchanges [are when] husband and wife are connecting--they are attuning by turning toward each other" (p. 87).  Brief exchanges are the little moments, the mundane moments of life . . . visiting while eating a meal together, asking one another how the day went, putting down the phone when the other person is talking, accepting the offer (or request) for a hug or back rub.  In other words, turning means you're intentionally thinking of your spouse.  You're putting your spouse's needs before your own.  Thus, you are changing and moving towards him/her.

What does God say about turning?
The word turn is used over 400 times in the scriptures, so He says a lot about it.
Zechariah 1:3 says, ". . . Turn ye unto me, saith the Lord of hosts, and I will turn unto you . . . " (italics added).
Joel 2:12 says, "Therefore also now, saith the Lord, turn ye even to me with all your heart, and with fasting, and with weeping, and with mourning" (italics added).  And Alma 39:13 says, "That ye turn to the Lord with all your mind, might, and strength;"(italics added).The Lord wants us to turn to Him!  He wants us to come unto Him and He will help us get rid of our selfishness, baggage, and weaknesses!  

But how does turning to the Lord fit in with turning towards our spouse in marriage?
In order to turn towards your spouse, you must first turn towards God.
I am a visual learner, so let me illustrate my point with the following diagram in a step-by-step format:

Turning is a process.  It's a lifelong process!  But it starts with you turning towards God.
You get to choose if you will turn and MOVE towards Him.  

And the more you turn to Him, the more you will know yourself.
Then you will be prepared to know and turn toward your spouse.  You'll also be able to implement all the tools that Dr. Gottman suggests, like focusing on bids for attention, and recognizing and pointing out the positive qualities in your spouse.  
And then together, by continually turning toward God and one another,
then entire family will be able to
 RETURN back to God.  

April & Jason Catlett the Explorers!

Dora Dora Dora the Explorer! 

I bet you just sang that aloud to yourself, didn't you!  I know I can't read those words without singing them.  My husband can't, either!  One of our favorite things to do together is reminisce fun moments when our kiddos were little . . . and our oldest daughter's favorite show when she was 3-4 years old was Dora the Explorer. 
Dora is such a smart little gal, taking us on exciting journeys all over the world to solve problems.  And she couldn't do this without the help of her handy dandy . . .

MAP! 

"If there's a place you got to go
I am the one you need to know
I'm the Map!
I'm the Map!
I'm the Map!

If there's a place you got to get
I can get you there I bet
I'm the Map!
I'm the Map!
I'm the Map!

I'm the Map!"
(repeated multiple times)

Isn't the map GREAT?!  He really is the key to solving all of Dora's directionally-challenged problems. 

In all seriousness, though . . . did you know that all of this Dora talk can be directly related to Marriage? 
No kidding! 

Sometimes in marriage, we can't locate things right next to us . . . or rather, the person by our side.  We don't notice the treasure that our spouse really is.  There is a tool for us to notice and get to this "treasure" . . . and ultimately get to where we really want to go (ie. "happily ever after," "paradise," "eternal life," "the Celestial Kingdom")--It's called a map!
  In fact, Dr. John Gottman, Ph.D. says we need a LOVE MAP.
A LOVE MAP is " . . . that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner's life."  Couples that have a detailed LOVE MAP "are intimately familiar with each other's world . . . They remember the major events in each other's hisotry, and they keep updating their information as the facts and feelings of their spouse's world change"
(Seven Principles, p. 54).  

It can be a tricky thing though, right?  Just as geographical maps need to be updated over time, so does a couple's LOVE MAP.  Life gets hard . . . challenges arise in marriage (job stress, pregnancy, child-rearing, death, addictions, bad choices, just to name a few), and couples need to be constantly "updating" their knowledge of one another.  Dr. H. Wallace Goddard, Ph.D says they can do this by recognizing, focusing on, and pointing out their spouse's positive qualities through their own thoughts, feelings, and actions (Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, p. 44-45).  When you're focusing on all the little positive things, your LOVE MAP becomes more detailed and beautiful.  You increase your fondness and admiration for your spouse.  Dr. Gottman says that "Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance" (p. 69).  
I concur with this.  I believe it.  I KNOW it! 
I love that my husband Jason knows our daughter's favorite old TV show, Dora the Explorer.  I love that he knows all the words to its theme song and that he sings it with me when we reminisce those early days of our parenting years.  I love that he knows which fork I like to use at mealtime and that he texts me sweet thoughts throughout the day.  I love that I know which towel is his favorite to use and that he doesn't like vinegar in his homemade salad dressing.  It's the little things that mean the most. 
It's the backroads and winding streets have the best views and most scenic routes.  And I can't imagine a better partner to be an "explorer" with on this adventure called life, than my best friend and husband (he's an even better explorer than Dora, and he's fluent in Spanish, too!).  

   

One of my favorite quotes is by President Gordon B. Hinckley.  He said:
"There seems to be a superstition among many thousands of our young who hold hands and smooch in the drive-ins that marriage is a cottage surrounded by perpetual hollyhocks, to which a perpetually young and handsome husband comes home to a perpetually young and ravishing wife. When the hollyhocks wither and boredom and bills appear, the divorce courts are jammed.
Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he’s been robbed. The fact is that most putts don’t drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just ordinary people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. ...
Life is like an old-time rail journey — delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."

So whether you are traveling through live via train ride, boat, car, plan, or even on foot,
remember to bring along your LOVE MAP.  More importantly--pull it out and USE it.  Hold onto it, refer to it, update it.  Allow it to take you where God wants you to go -- back to Him as two explorers united hand in hand,
true eternal companions! 

got gottman?

In 1993, The American advertising agency Goodby Silverstein & Partners launched the “Got Milk” advertising campaign . . . one of the most “famous commodity brands and influential campaigns in advertising history” (Wikipedia, Got Milk?).
I’m sure you’re aware of it, as the campaign reigned in the field of advertising for over 20 years and was well-known for its picture of famous athletes, actors, actresses, and other individuals sporting their “milk mustaches.” 
It was a catchy phrase with the intent to encourage people to drink more cows milk.  Personally, it was one of my favorite advertisements from my childhood.  I have fond memories of sitting in the school lunchroom looking at the latest “got milk” posters on the walls and giggling with my friends as we took a big swig from our milk cartons and formed our own mustaches. 

 
So, today, in the friendly spirit of sharing slogans, I would ask you:
“got Gottman?”

Dr. John Gottman, Ph.D., is a psychology professor at the University of Washington and a renowned expert in marital relationships
(way to represent, Dr. Gottman!). 
Right here in our own state (Seattle, to be exact), Dr. Gottman has created the famous “Love Lab” in which he has been able to observe, study, and research married couples and make some revolutionary discoveries.  One such discovery has been extremely influential for me . . . that communication (and particularly the “active listening” method of communication) is not the single answer to a lasting marriage.  I have professed this belief for as long as I can remember!  And I still believe that communication is a most vital and critical component to marriage.  But I am intrigued by Dr. Gottman’s findings that FRIENDSHIP is of first and foremost importance in marriage and will ultimately determine its success or failure. 
He says, “One of the most startling findings of our research is that couples who have maintained happy marriages rarely do anything that even partly resembles active listening when they’re upset”
(The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, p. 14).  

He goes on to say, “FRIENDSHIP fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse”
(p. 22, caps added). 
And finally, Dr. Gottman speaks of the importance of marital FRIENDSHIP by saying, “If you can accommodate each other’s “crazy” side and handle it with caring, affection, and respect, your marriage can thrive”
(p. 16, caps added).
Dr. Gottman's research and findings compliment the principles taught by Wallace Goddard, Ph.D., author of the book, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage.  Dr. Goddard states, "If we are to have a strong marriage, we must put off the natural man and learn better ways" (p. 3).

 

These better ways are ultimately what the Savior teaches us about God's greatest commandments:  loving God and then loving others (Mark 12:30-31). 
Isn't that what would ultimately help us to have a solid FRIENDSHIP with our spouse?  
As I continue my educational goals towards becoming a marriage and family therapist, I am excited to delve more into Dr. Gottman’s research and learn about how successful marriages work as well how how these findings can coincide with my personal testimony that marriage is of God.
  Just as milk fuels the body with nutritious vitamins and nutrients, Dr. Gottman’s efforts in the field of marital relationships is fueling my mind and soul with nutritious inspiration & knowledge and helping me know how to instruct others about healthy marriages!     
My milk mustache can be seen in the form of a “Gottman smile” on my face . . . because now I’ve
got Gottman!  

The Three Big Bad Wolves

ONCE UPON A TIME . . .

There were 3 big bad wolves.  

The first wolf was named Natural Adversity.  He had a way of stampeding into people's families unannounced and terrorizing their lives and homes.  One day, he scared a little girl named Redda so badly that her heart became sick with cardiomyopathy. She was put on the heart transplant list and her parents were devastated to know that her life on this earth would be shortened unless she was able to receive a new heart.

The second wolf was named Own Imperfections (but the rest of her wolf pack called her OI for short).  She was a feisty little wolf who would howl all day and all night.  She howled so much that a man named Mr. Piggington was certain that he was to blame for the howling.  If Mr. Piggington was a better home owner, the wolf wouldn't be in the neighborhood in the first place.  If he was a nicer neighbor, the wolf would go away.  And if he were only smarter, he could figure out a way to eliminate the wolf all together.  But he wasn't any of those things . . . he was just a flawed and imperfect man, destined to live his life alone because no one could ever find any good in him.  

The third wolf was named Excessive Individualism.  This wolf was the worst of them all.  He was a sneaky beast . . . lurking in the shadows, hiding in the forests.  He would silently growl at everyone who passed by,
"You don't belong to anyone and you don't need anyone, just keep walking by yourself," or "You are the only one who can make yourself feel good--YOU complete you."  His favorite growl was, "YOU deserve this.  YOU are more important than anyone else, so make sure to always put yourself first."  In time, everyone decided to live alone because it was easier than to work together in marriages and families. 
Soon, the entire village was destroyed by this one wolf.  

Is this  THE END?

I pray that it is not the end.  It doesn't have to be the end!  We must and can be defenders of marriage and family, and not allow these "wolves" into our thoughts, lives and homes!   
Do these wolves plague your own life, your own relationships, and most important -- your own marriage?

Do you allow natural adversity, the challenges that happen to you in your life, to prevent you from keeping an eternal perspective and rob you of the joy God has in store for you?  

Do you allow your own imperfections to hold you back from seeing yourself and/or your spouse as a son or daughter of God?  Do you believe and know that you are good because you are God's,
and that your spouse is as well?

Are you consumed by excessive individualism?  Do you care more about yourself than you do your spouse?   

Elder Bruce C. Hafen of the Quorum of the Seventy used the three wolves analogy in his talk, "Covenant Marriage" (Nov. 1996 Ensign).  He said, "And when the wolf comes, they flee.  This idea is wrong.  It curses the earth, turning parents' hearts away from their children and from each other (italics added)."

Do not be afraid of the wolves!  Do not be as the hireling who runs away when the wolves come.  Follow the Savior's example and stay.  Stay and defend and protect.  Stand up to the wolves, even give your very life to protect your fold of sheep -- your marriage and your family
(John 10:12-15).

Then you CAN and WILL be able to live HAPPILY EVER AFTER together with your family for eternity in the Kingdom of God.

I Cannot Be Replaced!

I have been inspired. 
You know when you hear a statement from a public speaker, read a passage in a textbook or novel, or simply have a "light bulb moment" during a time of personal reflection?  Don't you usually want to share the "good news" with with someone?  I know I sure do . . .  and it has happened to me today, so I need to share this inspiration I've experienced!

  I have been inspired by the words of Cathy Ruse, senior counsel at the Family Research Council in her address at the World Congress of Families IX in Salt Lake City last year (October 28, 2015). 
Cathy is a defender of marriage.  I am a defender of marriage.  She inspires me to boldly declare that
I am a Mormon Christian Mother.
And what does that have to do with marriage? 
It has to do with the fact that I believe in the teachings of God and Jesus Christ--I am a Mormon Christian.
I believe in the Bible, the Book of Mormon, and God's modern day prophets who declare God's unalterable law that
"marriage is between a man and a woman"
(Genesis 2:24, D&C49:16, The Famliy: A Proclamation to the World, 1995). 

 

It has to do with the fact that I am a mother.  So I echo Cathy Ruse's words,
"No man can be a mother . . . I am not replaceable by a man."
I cannot be replaced. 

 
Just like no woman can be a father and no father is replaceable by a woman.  Men and women are created differently on purpose.  They each have unique gifts, traits, characteristics that are fundamental and critical to the raising of children.  That's not to say that single mothers or single fathers aren't capable of raising children.  It's not to say that same gender couples aren't capable of raising children.  But capability is not the issue.  The issue is the definition of marriage.  And I define and defend the definition of marriage as being between one man and one woman.
   "Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity" (The Family:  A Proclamation to the World, italics added).