Vitamins N & Y

Do you take daily vitamins and/or supplements?
Do you give your children vitamins?  
Maybe you distribute Flintstones chewables every morning or perhaps the Kirkland brand gummy vitamins from Costco?  Those are the ones our kiddos love.  Of course a well-balanced diet that is high in fruits and vegetables is the ideal solution to healthy living.
But sometimes a vitamin boost can be quite helpful.

Where the marriage and family relationship is concerned, a well-balanced "diet" that is high in effective parenting is the ideal solution to successful living.
Dr. Richard B. Miller, Director of The School of Family Life at Brigham Young University quoted Dr. John Rosemond as saying, "“Give your children regular, daily doses of Vitamin N. This vital nutrient consists simply of the most character-building two-letter word in the English language––‘'No’ . . . Unfortunately, many, if not most, of today’s children suffer from Vitamin N deficiency. They have been over-indulged by well-meaning parents who have given them far too much of what they want and far too little of what they truly need" (bold added).    

There are many reasons why a parents might find it difficult to distribute this important
Vitamin N ("No"). . . perhaps they want to give their children the things they themselves did not have growing up.  They don't want their children to have to "suffer" as they did.  Or maybe they did not have a good relationship with their own parents during their childhood and think the parent-child relationship would be improved if the child was pleased all the time.  Regarding this matter, Joseph F. Smith said,  "God forbid that there should be any of us so unwisely indulgent, so thoughtless and so shallow in our affection for our children that we dare not check them in a wayward course, in wrong-doing and in their foolish love for the things of the world more than for the things of righteousness, for fear of offending them."

Clearly, rules, standards, and guidelines are important in parenting and holding children accountable to them through using Vitamin N ("No means no.") is vital.  Husbands and wives need to be united in these efforts for the "vitamin" to be digested completely.  But as we know, too much of anything -- even a good thing -- can have negative side effects.  So parents must also administer doses of Vitamin Y as well -- Vitamin Yes.
Vitamin Yes actually supports Vitamin No . . . "Yes, you may go to the party AFTER you have finished your homework" (the rule is stated, the standard and guideline supported).  And if the child does not adhere to this, then Vitamin No is given -- "No, you may not go to the party because you chose to not finish your homework."  Consistency and clear communication are crucial in these efforts.    

In my opinion, the best instructions for Vitamins N and Y application do not come from FDA Approval . . . rather, they are Heaven-approved.
The Lord has said, "No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness, and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy and without guile -- Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy"
(Doctrine & Covenants 121:41-43).   

This scripture is one of my favorites and I have it posted on my office computer, on the wall in our family room, and marked boldly in my scriptures.
It reminds me of the Lord's way of parenting and encourages me and my husband to continue working together in order to achieve the balanced doses of both Vitamins N and Y!   

Miller, Richard B., Ph.D.  "Who is the Boss?  Power Relationships in Families."  March 2009.  BYU Family Life Conference.    

Smith, Joseph F., Gospel Doctrine, p. 286.

Doctrine & Covenants 121:41-43

An Honest Intimate Q&A

Fidelity:  Two hearts, one lock.
The storms will rage, the wind will blow, the rust will attempt to corrode . . .
but two hearts remain locked together,
united,
loyal,
supportive,
impenetrable by outside forces.

There is much debate regarding fidelity and sexual intimacy in today's world.  Sean E. Brotherson in his article, "Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage" says,
"It has been said that marriage is the school of love, and it is certain that a committed, caring marriage relationship is absolutely the best environment to learn the intricacies of sexual expression and intimacy. But it is also important to understand that it is okay, as Latter-day Saints, to ask such questions and to seek meaningful answers" (bold added).

We all have questions.  Questions do not mean we doubt our beliefs or our God.  Questions inspire us to learn, grow, and become better. Questions also allow us to pause for self-reflection and introspection.  Today, I would like to engage in an honest intimacy question-and-answer session.  The following questions are asked by Dr. H. Wallace Goddard, Ph.D. in his book,Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage.  These question are found at the end of chapter 5 and are listed under the "Actions" portion of the chapter.  

Q:  Have you set a standard for yourself to avoid spending time alone with a person of the opposite sex?

A:  Yes.  Before we were ever married, when we chose to be in a committed relationship, my husband and I agreed that we would not allow members of the opposite sex into our home when our spouse was not present.  We also agreed that we would not have private conversations, meetings, appointments, etc. with a member of the opposite sex.  At that time, it seemed like an easy decision, a "no-brainer."  Of COURSE that's what you're supposed to do in a relationship, right?  But after seventeen years of marriage, we have seen how these moments can sneak up on you when you're not thinking.  Recently, a co-worker of my husband's arrived at our house earlier than planned and my husband was not yet home.  Without thinking, I said, "Come on in, Jason will be home any minute."  As soon as he stepped inside our house, I realized my error.  It didn't matter if the time was 5 minutes, or 50 minutes.  It didn't matter the situation . . . no man should be in my home without my husband present. I immediately felt embarrassed but my commitment to my husband was more important, and I said, "You know, I am so sorry, but I don't know exactly how long it will be until he's home, I would feel more comfortable with you waiting out in your car for him, would you mind?"  The co-worker immediately understood and graciously obliged.      

Q:  Have you carefully monitored your words and actions to be sure that you do not flirt with anyone but your spouse?  

A:  Yes.  Again, I committed in the beginning of our relationship that I would not allow myself to indulge in these types of comments or conversations with any man besides my husband.  There have been times when men have made flirtatious comments to me, and because of my prior commitment and mindset, I immediately felt uncomfortable.  I have cut off the conversation, excused myself, and even just turned and walked away.  Keeping a continuous daily conversation of flirtation with my husband (primarily via texting) is something I think helps us stay locked to one another and no one else.   

Q:  Do you carefully keep yourself out of situations where flirting and immorality are common and acceptable?  

A:  Yes.  I do not "friend" many men on my social media platforms (other than relatives).  I do not keep in contact with former male friends from my past.  At social functions or gatherings, I make sure to keep my conversations surface-level and polite with members of the opposite sex.  In essence, I keep my heart locked to my husband's through the words and actions I have with others.    

Q:  Do you avoid websites, movies, and entertainment that turn intimacy into a matter of lust?  

A:  This is definitely an area in which I can improve.  Websites and entertainment aren't an issue for me, but I can say that there have definitely been some questionable movies I have seen.  Fortunately, I have been able to recognize the promptings of the Spirit and the discomfort I feel in those moments and chosen to turn down, turn off, or walk out of those movies.  Repentance is a beautiful gift in those moments and images have been erased from my memory because of this process.   

Q:  Do you share your appreciation for your spouse with friends so that they know of your commitment and affection for her or him?  

A:  YES!  I often joke that my favorite topic of positive conversation is my husband.  I love to talk about how wonderful he is, and it doesn't bother me at all if people think I am "bragging" about him.  I think it is important to "brag" about your spouse!  If I am feeling angry towards my husband, all I have to do is start telling someone about his positive qualities, and those negative feelings dissipate.  The power of positive words is transformational.  Again, it was at the beginning of our marriage that we agreed that we would only say positive things about one another to other people.  I can't stress enough how important I think this simple decision is.  

Even though I may have answered "yes" to most of these questions, this does not mean that my husband and I have not had challenges in these areas throughout our marriage.  There have been times when we have been tested and tried.  I am happy to say we have been successful, but I believe it is only because of our commitment to God and one another.  We both have a firm conviction that our loyalty is first to God and second to one another.  And because of this, our hearts are locked eternally as we walk through this journey of life together.  

What Do You See?

(photo courtesy of brainden.com/face-illusions.htm#prettyPhoto)

What do you see? 

An elderly couple gazing at one another?  Or an elderly couple having a contentious stare-down?
Do you see an image of a young man playing a guitar and young woman carrying dishes on her head?  Do you see loving reflections of their younger days together,
or remorse and longing for what used to be? 

What we SEE is relative to our own perception of ourselves, others, and life.

Dr. John Gottman teaches that in marriage, "gridlock" occurs when couples cannot find a way to work through their "perpetual disagreements" (issues that repeatedly come up in the relationship).  Or in other words, they aren't SEEING (taking time to listen, hear, understand) the other person's side of things.  Dr. Gottman's research shows that when couples truly SEE their spouse's dreams ("the hopes, aspirations, and wishes that are part of your identity and give purpose and meaning to your life"), they are able to get to the root of the disagreement and begin working through it.

(The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, p. 238)

Dr. H. Wallace Goddard takes Dr. Gottman's research one step further and applies it to our spiritual natures.  He says, "The natural man is likely to find that resentment and vindictiveness come more easily than charity.  More than we realize, those negative reactions are a choice -- a choice to see in a human, judgmental way.  But we can also choose to see in a heavenly and loving way.
That choice makes all the difference.

Charity can be the lens through which we SEE each other."

(Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, p. 108, italics & caps added)

A well-known scripture that defines charity is Moroni 7:47:
"Charity is the pure love of Christ."
But sometimes that seems like a daunting task, a quality that is unattainable . . . how can we possibly obtain this love?  Dr. Goddard gives great insight on this by breaking down
the phrase "love of Christ" into the following:

1.  Love FROM Christ - Christ loves us.  Each one of us individually, fully, and completely.  He loves us so much that He gave His life for us.

2.  Love FOR Christ - Because of His love for us,
we instinctively want to love Him back!

"We love him because he first loved us" (1 John 1:19). Think of this concept by considering even the most cautious of little children . . . as soon as they feel like someone loves them, they give their whole hearts to that person.

3.  Love LIKE Christ - Now we know how to truly love because we are filled with the purest love possible.  If we profess to be Christians, we will love like Christ.  "The surest mark of discipleship is a love for all people -- i.e., charity" (Goddard, p. 112).
And the greatest way to make a difference in this world is to begin showing that charity to our spouse.

Dr. Goddard says, "We are all familiar with the lack of charity.  We have all felt the critical, negative, carping, nit-picking, fault-finding, and grousing attitude that comes easily to the natural man.

Charity does not flow automatically from having an extraordinary spouse.
It is primarily the result of how we choose to SEE each other."

 (Goddard, p. 113, italics and bold added).

I have countless examples of my failures and regrets in my marriage when I have chosen to see my husband through my "natural woman glasses."  Only when I cast off these glasses and pray for Christ-like charity contacts ("lenses") does my marriage flourish and become more beautiful.
Then our future becomes brighter than we could ever imagine as we look towards the promise of Celestial light and glory.

The Little Engine That Could Consecrate

"I-think-I can, I-think-I-can, I-think-I-can . . . "

It's a familiar mantra chanted by a small train engine in the famous children's book,

The Little Engine that Could which was first published in the U.S. in 1930.  

"In the tale, a long train must be pulled over a high mountain. The request is sent to a small engine, who agrees to try. The engine succeeds in pulling the train over the mountain while repeating its motto: "I-think-I-can" (Wikipedia).

Metaphorically speaking, I am a small engine!  I live a pretty average and quiet existence in the rail yard of life.  In our marriage, my spouse (another small engine) is chugging along the tracks beside me.  Sometimes there are twists and turns, sometimes the tracks are laid straight out in front of us as far as we can see.  Sometimes the views are grand and glorious and other times they are mundane and repetitive. 

Although this analogy may be based on a children's storybook, there is nothing childish about it . . .  

How would knowing about and living the law of consecration help me on this railroad of a marital journey?  

  

First of all, what is consecration?  

The LDS Guide to the Scriptures says consecration is, 

"To dedicate, to make holy, or to become righteous" (lds.org).  

Regarding consecration, H. Wallace Goddard says, "Those who know God and have experimented with His ways . . . know that the more they turn their lives over to God, the better their lives become.  The ultimate joy is to surrender completely to God.  We turn everything over to Him and life gets inexpressibly good" (Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, p. 93).

Goddard gives the train analogy as an example to describe consecration.  He says, 

"Only those train cars hooked to the engine can be pulled up the mountain.  

Only that which we bring to the altar can be sanctified and perfected" 

(Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, p. 94).  

So consecration has everything to do with marriage . . . 

As I pull each train car full of my imperfections up the mountain, I am offering my whole soul to God to be consecrated to Him, asking him to sanctify and perfect me through His grace and mercy.  By consecrating my life to God, I am able to consecrate my life to my husband as well.  

As Goddard said, "[I] can gladly offer [my] best efforts.  [I] appreciate all that [my] partner offer[s]" 

(p. 102).  

It is important to remember . . . I CHOSE my husband!  

I chose him with all his imperfections, faults, and weaknesses, and he chose me with mine.

 

"Do we bring our greatest generosity and richest forgiving to our marriages?  

Do we offer our whole souls and our best efforts as an offering (see Omni 1:26)?  

Or do our partnerships get half-hearted, occasional efforts?  

Our marriages are ideal places to practice the law of consecration."

(Goddard, p. 102).  

  I am the little engine that could consecrate!  

"I-think-I-can,  I-think-I-Can, 

I-KNOW-I-can!"