Emotional Explosives

When my husband was in the Army and deployed to Iraq for a year, he worked in close proximity with the EOD (Explosive Ordinance Disposal), or "bomb squad."  These soldiers were experts in their field and used specialized tools to locate, diagnose, contain, remove, and/or render safe
the various bombs and explosives they encountered.  If this was not done successfully, detonation and explosion would occur with catastrophic results -- destruction, injuries, and often fatal casualties.       

Similarly, in the marriage relationship, emotions can be volatile or "explosive."  Relationships with the in-laws are particularly subject to being emotionally-sensitive.  If these relationships are not navigated and handled with the utmost care, then destruction, injury, and relationship "casualties" can occur.  

Much of the time, the "emotional bombs" occur because of differences.  James M. Harper & Susanne Frost Olsen, director and associate director of the BYU School of Family Life said,  "Marrying into a family that is different than yours or has different values can be challenging."  

Fortunately, we have been given many tools to locate, diagnose, contain, remove, and/or render safe our emotions in these in-law relationships!  Harper and Olsen suggest, "Demonstrating humor, exercising patience, overlooking small irritations, and looking for the positive can help in dealing with differences" (emphasis added).  My father-in-law is 64 years old.  He recently got married for the third time to a woman who is my husband's age.  As awkward as that was, we all accepted her immediately and there was a good relationship formed.  Then they decided to have a baby . . . so my husband now has a brother 40 years younger than him.  This is definitely a "different" situation that has caused a variety of heightened emotions within the family and relationships have been strained.  You can imagine the implications of this decision . . . now Grandpa is a new Dad again and doesn't have time to be a Grandpa anymore.  It is a transition for everyone.  We are learning to use humor, exercise patience, and overlook small irritations (such as them not being able to come to events because they interrupt the baby's nap time) in order to successfully navigate this situation and keep relationships in tact.       

An exploding bomb is how I often feel my emotions are when I am NOT being my "best self."  To be in control of my emotions is one of my greatest goals in life, particularly with relationships and specifically with my in-laws.  I admire people who have already mastered this skill or are naturally gifted with it.  It is a continual lesson for me to learn and I am especially grateful for my Savior's forgiveness with my shortcomings in this area of my life.  I remind myself often of these words from Alma 38:12 in The Book of Mormon:
"See that ye bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love." 

Harper, James M.  Frost Olsen, Susanne.  "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws & Extended Families."  School of Family Life.  Brigham Young University.     

The Book of Mormon, Another Testament of Jesus Christ.  Alma 38:12.

Vitamins N & Y

Do you take daily vitamins and/or supplements?
Do you give your children vitamins?  
Maybe you distribute Flintstones chewables every morning or perhaps the Kirkland brand gummy vitamins from Costco?  Those are the ones our kiddos love.  Of course a well-balanced diet that is high in fruits and vegetables is the ideal solution to healthy living.
But sometimes a vitamin boost can be quite helpful.

Where the marriage and family relationship is concerned, a well-balanced "diet" that is high in effective parenting is the ideal solution to successful living.
Dr. Richard B. Miller, Director of The School of Family Life at Brigham Young University quoted Dr. John Rosemond as saying, "“Give your children regular, daily doses of Vitamin N. This vital nutrient consists simply of the most character-building two-letter word in the English language––‘'No’ . . . Unfortunately, many, if not most, of today’s children suffer from Vitamin N deficiency. They have been over-indulged by well-meaning parents who have given them far too much of what they want and far too little of what they truly need" (bold added).    

There are many reasons why a parents might find it difficult to distribute this important
Vitamin N ("No"). . . perhaps they want to give their children the things they themselves did not have growing up.  They don't want their children to have to "suffer" as they did.  Or maybe they did not have a good relationship with their own parents during their childhood and think the parent-child relationship would be improved if the child was pleased all the time.  Regarding this matter, Joseph F. Smith said,  "God forbid that there should be any of us so unwisely indulgent, so thoughtless and so shallow in our affection for our children that we dare not check them in a wayward course, in wrong-doing and in their foolish love for the things of the world more than for the things of righteousness, for fear of offending them."

Clearly, rules, standards, and guidelines are important in parenting and holding children accountable to them through using Vitamin N ("No means no.") is vital.  Husbands and wives need to be united in these efforts for the "vitamin" to be digested completely.  But as we know, too much of anything -- even a good thing -- can have negative side effects.  So parents must also administer doses of Vitamin Y as well -- Vitamin Yes.
Vitamin Yes actually supports Vitamin No . . . "Yes, you may go to the party AFTER you have finished your homework" (the rule is stated, the standard and guideline supported).  And if the child does not adhere to this, then Vitamin No is given -- "No, you may not go to the party because you chose to not finish your homework."  Consistency and clear communication are crucial in these efforts.    

In my opinion, the best instructions for Vitamins N and Y application do not come from FDA Approval . . . rather, they are Heaven-approved.
The Lord has said, "No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness, and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy and without guile -- Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy"
(Doctrine & Covenants 121:41-43).   

This scripture is one of my favorites and I have it posted on my office computer, on the wall in our family room, and marked boldly in my scriptures.
It reminds me of the Lord's way of parenting and encourages me and my husband to continue working together in order to achieve the balanced doses of both Vitamins N and Y!   

Miller, Richard B., Ph.D.  "Who is the Boss?  Power Relationships in Families."  March 2009.  BYU Family Life Conference.    

Smith, Joseph F., Gospel Doctrine, p. 286.

Doctrine & Covenants 121:41-43

An Honest Intimate Q&A

Fidelity:  Two hearts, one lock.
The storms will rage, the wind will blow, the rust will attempt to corrode . . .
but two hearts remain locked together,
united,
loyal,
supportive,
impenetrable by outside forces.

There is much debate regarding fidelity and sexual intimacy in today's world.  Sean E. Brotherson in his article, "Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage" says,
"It has been said that marriage is the school of love, and it is certain that a committed, caring marriage relationship is absolutely the best environment to learn the intricacies of sexual expression and intimacy. But it is also important to understand that it is okay, as Latter-day Saints, to ask such questions and to seek meaningful answers" (bold added).

We all have questions.  Questions do not mean we doubt our beliefs or our God.  Questions inspire us to learn, grow, and become better. Questions also allow us to pause for self-reflection and introspection.  Today, I would like to engage in an honest intimacy question-and-answer session.  The following questions are asked by Dr. H. Wallace Goddard, Ph.D. in his book,Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage.  These question are found at the end of chapter 5 and are listed under the "Actions" portion of the chapter.  

Q:  Have you set a standard for yourself to avoid spending time alone with a person of the opposite sex?

A:  Yes.  Before we were ever married, when we chose to be in a committed relationship, my husband and I agreed that we would not allow members of the opposite sex into our home when our spouse was not present.  We also agreed that we would not have private conversations, meetings, appointments, etc. with a member of the opposite sex.  At that time, it seemed like an easy decision, a "no-brainer."  Of COURSE that's what you're supposed to do in a relationship, right?  But after seventeen years of marriage, we have seen how these moments can sneak up on you when you're not thinking.  Recently, a co-worker of my husband's arrived at our house earlier than planned and my husband was not yet home.  Without thinking, I said, "Come on in, Jason will be home any minute."  As soon as he stepped inside our house, I realized my error.  It didn't matter if the time was 5 minutes, or 50 minutes.  It didn't matter the situation . . . no man should be in my home without my husband present. I immediately felt embarrassed but my commitment to my husband was more important, and I said, "You know, I am so sorry, but I don't know exactly how long it will be until he's home, I would feel more comfortable with you waiting out in your car for him, would you mind?"  The co-worker immediately understood and graciously obliged.      

Q:  Have you carefully monitored your words and actions to be sure that you do not flirt with anyone but your spouse?  

A:  Yes.  Again, I committed in the beginning of our relationship that I would not allow myself to indulge in these types of comments or conversations with any man besides my husband.  There have been times when men have made flirtatious comments to me, and because of my prior commitment and mindset, I immediately felt uncomfortable.  I have cut off the conversation, excused myself, and even just turned and walked away.  Keeping a continuous daily conversation of flirtation with my husband (primarily via texting) is something I think helps us stay locked to one another and no one else.   

Q:  Do you carefully keep yourself out of situations where flirting and immorality are common and acceptable?  

A:  Yes.  I do not "friend" many men on my social media platforms (other than relatives).  I do not keep in contact with former male friends from my past.  At social functions or gatherings, I make sure to keep my conversations surface-level and polite with members of the opposite sex.  In essence, I keep my heart locked to my husband's through the words and actions I have with others.    

Q:  Do you avoid websites, movies, and entertainment that turn intimacy into a matter of lust?  

A:  This is definitely an area in which I can improve.  Websites and entertainment aren't an issue for me, but I can say that there have definitely been some questionable movies I have seen.  Fortunately, I have been able to recognize the promptings of the Spirit and the discomfort I feel in those moments and chosen to turn down, turn off, or walk out of those movies.  Repentance is a beautiful gift in those moments and images have been erased from my memory because of this process.   

Q:  Do you share your appreciation for your spouse with friends so that they know of your commitment and affection for her or him?  

A:  YES!  I often joke that my favorite topic of positive conversation is my husband.  I love to talk about how wonderful he is, and it doesn't bother me at all if people think I am "bragging" about him.  I think it is important to "brag" about your spouse!  If I am feeling angry towards my husband, all I have to do is start telling someone about his positive qualities, and those negative feelings dissipate.  The power of positive words is transformational.  Again, it was at the beginning of our marriage that we agreed that we would only say positive things about one another to other people.  I can't stress enough how important I think this simple decision is.  

Even though I may have answered "yes" to most of these questions, this does not mean that my husband and I have not had challenges in these areas throughout our marriage.  There have been times when we have been tested and tried.  I am happy to say we have been successful, but I believe it is only because of our commitment to God and one another.  We both have a firm conviction that our loyalty is first to God and second to one another.  And because of this, our hearts are locked eternally as we walk through this journey of life together.  

What Do You See?

(photo courtesy of brainden.com/face-illusions.htm#prettyPhoto)

What do you see? 

An elderly couple gazing at one another?  Or an elderly couple having a contentious stare-down?
Do you see an image of a young man playing a guitar and young woman carrying dishes on her head?  Do you see loving reflections of their younger days together,
or remorse and longing for what used to be? 

What we SEE is relative to our own perception of ourselves, others, and life.

Dr. John Gottman teaches that in marriage, "gridlock" occurs when couples cannot find a way to work through their "perpetual disagreements" (issues that repeatedly come up in the relationship).  Or in other words, they aren't SEEING (taking time to listen, hear, understand) the other person's side of things.  Dr. Gottman's research shows that when couples truly SEE their spouse's dreams ("the hopes, aspirations, and wishes that are part of your identity and give purpose and meaning to your life"), they are able to get to the root of the disagreement and begin working through it.

(The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, p. 238)

Dr. H. Wallace Goddard takes Dr. Gottman's research one step further and applies it to our spiritual natures.  He says, "The natural man is likely to find that resentment and vindictiveness come more easily than charity.  More than we realize, those negative reactions are a choice -- a choice to see in a human, judgmental way.  But we can also choose to see in a heavenly and loving way.
That choice makes all the difference.

Charity can be the lens through which we SEE each other."

(Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, p. 108, italics & caps added)

A well-known scripture that defines charity is Moroni 7:47:
"Charity is the pure love of Christ."
But sometimes that seems like a daunting task, a quality that is unattainable . . . how can we possibly obtain this love?  Dr. Goddard gives great insight on this by breaking down
the phrase "love of Christ" into the following:

1.  Love FROM Christ - Christ loves us.  Each one of us individually, fully, and completely.  He loves us so much that He gave His life for us.

2.  Love FOR Christ - Because of His love for us,
we instinctively want to love Him back!

"We love him because he first loved us" (1 John 1:19). Think of this concept by considering even the most cautious of little children . . . as soon as they feel like someone loves them, they give their whole hearts to that person.

3.  Love LIKE Christ - Now we know how to truly love because we are filled with the purest love possible.  If we profess to be Christians, we will love like Christ.  "The surest mark of discipleship is a love for all people -- i.e., charity" (Goddard, p. 112).
And the greatest way to make a difference in this world is to begin showing that charity to our spouse.

Dr. Goddard says, "We are all familiar with the lack of charity.  We have all felt the critical, negative, carping, nit-picking, fault-finding, and grousing attitude that comes easily to the natural man.

Charity does not flow automatically from having an extraordinary spouse.
It is primarily the result of how we choose to SEE each other."

 (Goddard, p. 113, italics and bold added).

I have countless examples of my failures and regrets in my marriage when I have chosen to see my husband through my "natural woman glasses."  Only when I cast off these glasses and pray for Christ-like charity contacts ("lenses") does my marriage flourish and become more beautiful.
Then our future becomes brighter than we could ever imagine as we look towards the promise of Celestial light and glory.

The Little Engine That Could Consecrate

"I-think-I can, I-think-I-can, I-think-I-can . . . "

It's a familiar mantra chanted by a small train engine in the famous children's book,

The Little Engine that Could which was first published in the U.S. in 1930.  

"In the tale, a long train must be pulled over a high mountain. The request is sent to a small engine, who agrees to try. The engine succeeds in pulling the train over the mountain while repeating its motto: "I-think-I-can" (Wikipedia).

Metaphorically speaking, I am a small engine!  I live a pretty average and quiet existence in the rail yard of life.  In our marriage, my spouse (another small engine) is chugging along the tracks beside me.  Sometimes there are twists and turns, sometimes the tracks are laid straight out in front of us as far as we can see.  Sometimes the views are grand and glorious and other times they are mundane and repetitive. 

Although this analogy may be based on a children's storybook, there is nothing childish about it . . .  

How would knowing about and living the law of consecration help me on this railroad of a marital journey?  

  

First of all, what is consecration?  

The LDS Guide to the Scriptures says consecration is, 

"To dedicate, to make holy, or to become righteous" (lds.org).  

Regarding consecration, H. Wallace Goddard says, "Those who know God and have experimented with His ways . . . know that the more they turn their lives over to God, the better their lives become.  The ultimate joy is to surrender completely to God.  We turn everything over to Him and life gets inexpressibly good" (Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, p. 93).

Goddard gives the train analogy as an example to describe consecration.  He says, 

"Only those train cars hooked to the engine can be pulled up the mountain.  

Only that which we bring to the altar can be sanctified and perfected" 

(Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, p. 94).  

So consecration has everything to do with marriage . . . 

As I pull each train car full of my imperfections up the mountain, I am offering my whole soul to God to be consecrated to Him, asking him to sanctify and perfect me through His grace and mercy.  By consecrating my life to God, I am able to consecrate my life to my husband as well.  

As Goddard said, "[I] can gladly offer [my] best efforts.  [I] appreciate all that [my] partner offer[s]" 

(p. 102).  

It is important to remember . . . I CHOSE my husband!  

I chose him with all his imperfections, faults, and weaknesses, and he chose me with mine.

 

"Do we bring our greatest generosity and richest forgiving to our marriages?  

Do we offer our whole souls and our best efforts as an offering (see Omni 1:26)?  

Or do our partnerships get half-hearted, occasional efforts?  

Our marriages are ideal places to practice the law of consecration."

(Goddard, p. 102).  

  I am the little engine that could consecrate!  

"I-think-I-can,  I-think-I-Can, 

I-KNOW-I-can!"

Irritation . . . a Blessing and a Curse

"Ugh, I am SO irritated!"
Sadly, I have uttered this exclamatory statement many times in my life.  However, today is a new day that brings with it a paradigm shift and a chance for a fresh perspective for me regarding irritation.  

Irritation is a Blessing and a Curse. 

A BLESSING:
"Irritation alerts us to the risk of blisters when we sense a pebble in our shoes.

In marriage, irritation serves the vital function of alerting us that something we are doing (or feeling, or saying) is creating a sore."
(Goddard, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, p. 75)  

The shoe is your marriage.  Your foot is you.  The pebble is your negative thoughts, words, and actions about your spouse.  Left inside your shoe, they will create a "blister" or "sore" (problems) that will grow larger until you no longer view your marriage as a good fit.
The good news is that you can take the pebble OUT of your shoe!
This happens when you repent.  "Any time we feel irritated with our spouse, that irritation is not an invitation to call our spouse to repentance but an invitation to call ourselves to repent.  We are irritated because of our own lack of faith and humility."
(Goddard, p. 69)
Irritation then can be a blessing as we recognize it as a personal call to repentance -- to change ourselves because that is the only person we have control over changing.  And we need God's help to do the changing.  

A CURSE:
The "natural man" (Mosiah 3:19) is an irritated one.  Everyone else is the problem and inconveniences him.
"The natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others.  God has asked us to do the opposite.  We are to fix ourselves by repenting, and to love others."
(The Moral Inversion, Goddard, p. 62) 

If we do NOT focus on being a "celestial man," then our irritation will be a curse --

we will remain a natural man, and our marriages will suffer.  

The amazing thing is that we get to CHOOSE . . . are we going to view irritation as a blessing or a curse?  Will we succumb to our natural man tendencies and allow ourselves to be caught up in our pride by being irritated all the time ("curse")?  Or will we choose to stop irritation at the onset and change OUR behavior ("blessing")?
I know I won't be able to think of irritation the same way again . . . I view it now as a blessed opportunity to be accountable for myself, to turn towards God and ask His forgiveness for MY weaknesses, and to view and love my spouse (and everyone!) unconditionally.

Turn and MOVE!

turn
verb \ˈtərn\ 

to cause your body or a part of your body to face a different direction

This is one of the definitions that my good pal Merriam-Webster gives for the word "turn."
I like it.  I think it's a solid definition; simple and direct.
It indicates movement ("to cause . . . to face") and
change ("different").

What does Dr. John Gottman say about turning?  He believes turning is so important that it is one of his 7 Principles for making marriage work (principle #3).  He says, " . . . brief exchanges [are when] husband and wife are connecting--they are attuning by turning toward each other" (p. 87).  Brief exchanges are the little moments, the mundane moments of life . . . visiting while eating a meal together, asking one another how the day went, putting down the phone when the other person is talking, accepting the offer (or request) for a hug or back rub.  In other words, turning means you're intentionally thinking of your spouse.  You're putting your spouse's needs before your own.  Thus, you are changing and moving towards him/her.

What does God say about turning?
The word turn is used over 400 times in the scriptures, so He says a lot about it.
Zechariah 1:3 says, ". . . Turn ye unto me, saith the Lord of hosts, and I will turn unto you . . . " (italics added).
Joel 2:12 says, "Therefore also now, saith the Lord, turn ye even to me with all your heart, and with fasting, and with weeping, and with mourning" (italics added).  And Alma 39:13 says, "That ye turn to the Lord with all your mind, might, and strength;"(italics added).The Lord wants us to turn to Him!  He wants us to come unto Him and He will help us get rid of our selfishness, baggage, and weaknesses!  

But how does turning to the Lord fit in with turning towards our spouse in marriage?
In order to turn towards your spouse, you must first turn towards God.
I am a visual learner, so let me illustrate my point with the following diagram in a step-by-step format:

Turning is a process.  It's a lifelong process!  But it starts with you turning towards God.
You get to choose if you will turn and MOVE towards Him.  

And the more you turn to Him, the more you will know yourself.
Then you will be prepared to know and turn toward your spouse.  You'll also be able to implement all the tools that Dr. Gottman suggests, like focusing on bids for attention, and recognizing and pointing out the positive qualities in your spouse.  
And then together, by continually turning toward God and one another,
then entire family will be able to
 RETURN back to God.  

April & Jason Catlett the Explorers!

Dora Dora Dora the Explorer! 

I bet you just sang that aloud to yourself, didn't you!  I know I can't read those words without singing them.  My husband can't, either!  One of our favorite things to do together is reminisce fun moments when our kiddos were little . . . and our oldest daughter's favorite show when she was 3-4 years old was Dora the Explorer. 
Dora is such a smart little gal, taking us on exciting journeys all over the world to solve problems.  And she couldn't do this without the help of her handy dandy . . .

MAP! 

"If there's a place you got to go
I am the one you need to know
I'm the Map!
I'm the Map!
I'm the Map!

If there's a place you got to get
I can get you there I bet
I'm the Map!
I'm the Map!
I'm the Map!

I'm the Map!"
(repeated multiple times)

Isn't the map GREAT?!  He really is the key to solving all of Dora's directionally-challenged problems. 

In all seriousness, though . . . did you know that all of this Dora talk can be directly related to Marriage? 
No kidding! 

Sometimes in marriage, we can't locate things right next to us . . . or rather, the person by our side.  We don't notice the treasure that our spouse really is.  There is a tool for us to notice and get to this "treasure" . . . and ultimately get to where we really want to go (ie. "happily ever after," "paradise," "eternal life," "the Celestial Kingdom")--It's called a map!
  In fact, Dr. John Gottman, Ph.D. says we need a LOVE MAP.
A LOVE MAP is " . . . that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner's life."  Couples that have a detailed LOVE MAP "are intimately familiar with each other's world . . . They remember the major events in each other's hisotry, and they keep updating their information as the facts and feelings of their spouse's world change"
(Seven Principles, p. 54).  

It can be a tricky thing though, right?  Just as geographical maps need to be updated over time, so does a couple's LOVE MAP.  Life gets hard . . . challenges arise in marriage (job stress, pregnancy, child-rearing, death, addictions, bad choices, just to name a few), and couples need to be constantly "updating" their knowledge of one another.  Dr. H. Wallace Goddard, Ph.D says they can do this by recognizing, focusing on, and pointing out their spouse's positive qualities through their own thoughts, feelings, and actions (Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, p. 44-45).  When you're focusing on all the little positive things, your LOVE MAP becomes more detailed and beautiful.  You increase your fondness and admiration for your spouse.  Dr. Gottman says that "Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance" (p. 69).  
I concur with this.  I believe it.  I KNOW it! 
I love that my husband Jason knows our daughter's favorite old TV show, Dora the Explorer.  I love that he knows all the words to its theme song and that he sings it with me when we reminisce those early days of our parenting years.  I love that he knows which fork I like to use at mealtime and that he texts me sweet thoughts throughout the day.  I love that I know which towel is his favorite to use and that he doesn't like vinegar in his homemade salad dressing.  It's the little things that mean the most. 
It's the backroads and winding streets have the best views and most scenic routes.  And I can't imagine a better partner to be an "explorer" with on this adventure called life, than my best friend and husband (he's an even better explorer than Dora, and he's fluent in Spanish, too!).  

   

One of my favorite quotes is by President Gordon B. Hinckley.  He said:
"There seems to be a superstition among many thousands of our young who hold hands and smooch in the drive-ins that marriage is a cottage surrounded by perpetual hollyhocks, to which a perpetually young and handsome husband comes home to a perpetually young and ravishing wife. When the hollyhocks wither and boredom and bills appear, the divorce courts are jammed.
Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he’s been robbed. The fact is that most putts don’t drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just ordinary people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. ...
Life is like an old-time rail journey — delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."

So whether you are traveling through live via train ride, boat, car, plan, or even on foot,
remember to bring along your LOVE MAP.  More importantly--pull it out and USE it.  Hold onto it, refer to it, update it.  Allow it to take you where God wants you to go -- back to Him as two explorers united hand in hand,
true eternal companions!