An Honest Intimate Q&A

Fidelity:  Two hearts, one lock.
The storms will rage, the wind will blow, the rust will attempt to corrode . . .
but two hearts remain locked together,
united,
loyal,
supportive,
impenetrable by outside forces.

There is much debate regarding fidelity and sexual intimacy in today's world.  Sean E. Brotherson in his article, "Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage" says,
"It has been said that marriage is the school of love, and it is certain that a committed, caring marriage relationship is absolutely the best environment to learn the intricacies of sexual expression and intimacy. But it is also important to understand that it is okay, as Latter-day Saints, to ask such questions and to seek meaningful answers" (bold added).

We all have questions.  Questions do not mean we doubt our beliefs or our God.  Questions inspire us to learn, grow, and become better. Questions also allow us to pause for self-reflection and introspection.  Today, I would like to engage in an honest intimacy question-and-answer session.  The following questions are asked by Dr. H. Wallace Goddard, Ph.D. in his book,Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage.  These question are found at the end of chapter 5 and are listed under the "Actions" portion of the chapter.  

Q:  Have you set a standard for yourself to avoid spending time alone with a person of the opposite sex?

A:  Yes.  Before we were ever married, when we chose to be in a committed relationship, my husband and I agreed that we would not allow members of the opposite sex into our home when our spouse was not present.  We also agreed that we would not have private conversations, meetings, appointments, etc. with a member of the opposite sex.  At that time, it seemed like an easy decision, a "no-brainer."  Of COURSE that's what you're supposed to do in a relationship, right?  But after seventeen years of marriage, we have seen how these moments can sneak up on you when you're not thinking.  Recently, a co-worker of my husband's arrived at our house earlier than planned and my husband was not yet home.  Without thinking, I said, "Come on in, Jason will be home any minute."  As soon as he stepped inside our house, I realized my error.  It didn't matter if the time was 5 minutes, or 50 minutes.  It didn't matter the situation . . . no man should be in my home without my husband present. I immediately felt embarrassed but my commitment to my husband was more important, and I said, "You know, I am so sorry, but I don't know exactly how long it will be until he's home, I would feel more comfortable with you waiting out in your car for him, would you mind?"  The co-worker immediately understood and graciously obliged.      

Q:  Have you carefully monitored your words and actions to be sure that you do not flirt with anyone but your spouse?  

A:  Yes.  Again, I committed in the beginning of our relationship that I would not allow myself to indulge in these types of comments or conversations with any man besides my husband.  There have been times when men have made flirtatious comments to me, and because of my prior commitment and mindset, I immediately felt uncomfortable.  I have cut off the conversation, excused myself, and even just turned and walked away.  Keeping a continuous daily conversation of flirtation with my husband (primarily via texting) is something I think helps us stay locked to one another and no one else.   

Q:  Do you carefully keep yourself out of situations where flirting and immorality are common and acceptable?  

A:  Yes.  I do not "friend" many men on my social media platforms (other than relatives).  I do not keep in contact with former male friends from my past.  At social functions or gatherings, I make sure to keep my conversations surface-level and polite with members of the opposite sex.  In essence, I keep my heart locked to my husband's through the words and actions I have with others.    

Q:  Do you avoid websites, movies, and entertainment that turn intimacy into a matter of lust?  

A:  This is definitely an area in which I can improve.  Websites and entertainment aren't an issue for me, but I can say that there have definitely been some questionable movies I have seen.  Fortunately, I have been able to recognize the promptings of the Spirit and the discomfort I feel in those moments and chosen to turn down, turn off, or walk out of those movies.  Repentance is a beautiful gift in those moments and images have been erased from my memory because of this process.   

Q:  Do you share your appreciation for your spouse with friends so that they know of your commitment and affection for her or him?  

A:  YES!  I often joke that my favorite topic of positive conversation is my husband.  I love to talk about how wonderful he is, and it doesn't bother me at all if people think I am "bragging" about him.  I think it is important to "brag" about your spouse!  If I am feeling angry towards my husband, all I have to do is start telling someone about his positive qualities, and those negative feelings dissipate.  The power of positive words is transformational.  Again, it was at the beginning of our marriage that we agreed that we would only say positive things about one another to other people.  I can't stress enough how important I think this simple decision is.  

Even though I may have answered "yes" to most of these questions, this does not mean that my husband and I have not had challenges in these areas throughout our marriage.  There have been times when we have been tested and tried.  I am happy to say we have been successful, but I believe it is only because of our commitment to God and one another.  We both have a firm conviction that our loyalty is first to God and second to one another.  And because of this, our hearts are locked eternally as we walk through this journey of life together.